Why Change is so Difficult: The Mattress Theory

Your back is stiff. Your neck hurts. You dread sleep. Was it always like this? It’s hard to remember a time when your bed brought you pure, comfortable sleep.

You’ve had your mattress for a long time. It’s starting to sag. It creaks when you move. But there’s something about it… It’s uncomfortable, yet comfortable. It smells like you. It maintains the spot where your body seems to fit just right. You know it, it knows you. It’s yours.

In the back of your mind, this question keeps popping up: could it be the mattress?

Maybe it’s the first bed you ever bought with your own money. Maybe it’s the bed you and your partner have always had together. It may not be in the best shape, but the thought of getting a new mattress might seem scary or overwhelming. Where do you shop? What’s your budget? Do you want a pillowtop? Firm? Eco-friendly? Memory foam?

More importantly, getting a new mattress might not feel like your old mattress. It might be uncomfortable. It’s not broken in. It might be like sleeping at a hotel, or a friend’s place, or with an unfamiliar lover. You may not like it. So, maybe you keep the old mattress. You suffer, but you convince yourself it’s better than the alternative.

This is how many of us feel about making a change in our lives. We have been doing something (or not doing something) for so long that it can be downright terrifying to consider a new way.

In relationships, this may look like constantly suppressing our feelings and trying to ignore the cumulative pain it causes us. Or, it could be giving up on something important to us because we don’t know how to approach it with a partner. It could be that our partner no longer resembles the person we first started dating or married.

It might be staying in a job or career that once brought us joy but now makes us miserable. We may have developed coping mechanisms that we no longer need and perhaps bring us pain in our present circumstances. It might feel like we're disconnected from a part of ourselves that used to be prominent and defining. Parents often experience this—giving so much to their children that they lose sight of themselves.

It doesn’t have to be this way! I believe that we all know what we need; we might just need help coaxing it out and voicing it. Once we start pondering and talking about it, we begin to move toward the change we so crave. It becomes real. The fear can start to turn into something refreshing: excitement, curiosity, wonder. It probably won’t be easy at first, but with a little bit of time, you'll own the change. You won’t believe you waited so long to make it. It’ll be the most natural thing you could have done. You’ll feel better than you have in a long time. The sun will seem brighter. The flowers will smell more fragrant. You and your partner might be connected in a way you haven’t been in a long time. Or, you might enjoy being single again. You’ll feel excited to go to work in the morning. Things you’ve dreaded now seem possible. You’ll be motivated to keep the momentum of change going and to become more you.

It’s possible to feel good again or maybe even better than before. So go ahead, get that new mattress. I know you can do it.