Relationships: Why Feeling Understood Matters
It's a hot Los Angeles evening, and you want to do something nice for your partner on your way home from work. You stop at a new ice cream shop you've been wanting to try. Your partner loves ice cream, and they will be so touched that you thought of them. So you order two cups of strawberry—your favorite flavor. One for you and one for them.
You get home, excited to see their reaction. Instead, their face falls. They offer a half-hearted "Thanks," and walk away. What just happened?
Your partner didn't feel seen or understood. It wasn't really about the ice cream—it was about what the ice cream represented. You may have unconsciously asked yourself, What would make me feel loved? instead of, What would make my partner feel loved? You chose your favorite flavor without considering theirs.
Seemingly insignificant moments like this often carry outsized meaning. They become evidence that our partner knows us—or doesn't. When we feel known, emotional intimacy thrives and grows. When we repeatedly feel overlooked, the intimacy starts to wither and fade.
So many relationship conflicts stem from a lack of emotional attunement—accurately understanding and responding to your partner's values. Even with the best of intentions, we don't always consider the impact our actions have on the person we love. Instead, we may defend our intentions, ten toes down, or cling to our own perspective because we believe we were "doing the right thing."
Next, both partners leave frustrated. The person who bought the ice cream wonders why they bothered trying. The person who received it wonders whether their partner will ever truly consider what matters to them.
When we feel that our partner can move beyond their own preferences, assumptions, and experiences, we know that our relationship is healthy. Healthy relationships require constant curiosity. Rather than assuming your partner wants what you would want, pause to consider what is meaningful to them. If you don't know, ask. Learning about your partner's experiences, values, and preferences is one of the clearest ways to communicate care—and you may discover something that prevents countless misunderstandings down the road.
The next time you stop for ice cream, get one strawberry and one cookies and cream—your partner's favorite. The goal isn't to become a mind reader. It's to become a student of your partner: staying curious about who they are, what matters to them, and how they experience love. Feeling deeply understood isn't built through grand gestures. It's built through the small ones. The ice cream ones.