Relationships: When Was Your Last Check-Up?

When I take my son to the pediatrician, there are two entry doors: one for sick visits and one for well visits. It's pretty self-explanatory what the sick visit door is for. The well visits are for check-ups. Check-ups provide an opportunity to measure progress from the previous year and to look for warning signs ahead.

What if we did the same thing in our relationships? 

When couples begin relationships, they often build trust, attraction, and goodwill toward each other. Over time, life can start to wear down what the Gottmans call "fondness and admiration" between a couple. We tell ourselves that we just need to get past a certain milestone at work.  We're so fried from parenting that our core romantic relationship gets put on the back burner. We've been ignoring our friends. After we take care of all of those other things, we can get back to the relationship.

Now, we're not having sex like we used to. We don't talk about our dreams together. We either barely communicate or we're arguing. It's almost like this person who used to be our best friend is turning into a roommate, an adversary, or a stranger. We barely remember why we're together or how we'll keep going the way things have been lately. That's a really uncomfortable place to be. If we want to get back to who we once were, now is the time to use the sick entrance.

So how do couples get access to that elusive well entrance? 

Consider relationship check-ups. Imagine finding a time to speak with your partner when there's no crisis. Nothing has gotten to a breaking point.  You might have some concerns, some questions. But it's nothing you can't handle. Use a check-up to see how your partner is feeling and let them hear how you're feeling. Some couples might even make a list of questions to use during each relationship check-up. Use these conversations to see how satisfied you and your partner are with your relationship. This might be the time when you say, "I miss you initiating sex," or your partner could say, "Lately, I've been feeling like I'm taking a backseat to your job." 

The relationship check-up can be a time to say something you've either held back or realized for the first time. By designating the conversation a check-up, you and your partner have mutual buy-in to be ready to hear each other. It's not the time to criticize, it's a time to share feelings and be heard. Doesn't that sound nice?  

We're all overscheduled, but it's so important to take care of our health. Relationship health is no exception. So, go ahead. Ask your partner to schedule a check-up. See how it goes.